The Grout Writings

THE GROUT WRITINGS OF FIRESTONE LIBRARY

One day in the dim recesses of the late 1980s, I happened to be sitting in the wallside stall of a certain men's restroom on B-floor in the dim recesses of Firestone Library at Princeton University. I noticed that somebody had colored in part of the plaster between the wall tiles, in several different colors, no less. I looked closer at part of the wall, and I realized the coloration was actually a sentence. "They cannot erase what you write in the space." Apparently it was true, for the tiles themselves were clean and devoid of any writing. Then next to it: "They cannot remove what you write in the groove." And so on. The wall suddenly exploded with messages; dozens of little poems raced along, horizontally and vertically, all meticulously written on lines of plaster no more than 4 millimeters wide, and all of them referring to the very act of writing between the tiles. In time, I resolved to write them all down. I may have been moved to add a few of my own - but I won't say which ones.

It's been some years now, and I still proudly offer this collection for general edification. (Several folks have responded to Chemowocky but nobody has yet been moved to email me about the Grout Writings.) At any rate, to my knowledge, this listing was exhaustive in the fall of 1989. Time has passed, and I do not know if these writings have been added to, or indeed if they are still visible. I would be interested to hear news of their status.

The reader will quickly perceive that the "grout writings" listed below generally follow two rules: they are self-referential, and they rhyme. EVERY ONE of these verses was actually written on the plaster or grout in between the tiles of the aforementioned restroom wall.

Caveat: they ARE restroom graffiti, and some verses contain language and references that some people may find vulgar or offensive. I have omitted only those verses whose obscenity, in my view, outweighed their humor or sagacity. Your mileage may vary.

And now: THE GROUT WRITINGS OF FIRESTONE LIBRARY

• I really bug out when I write on the grout
• Beware of the square
• Between these tiles I found many smiles
• An honest scout avoids not grout
• Why be a drag? Write in the crag
• You'll gain true renown when you write upside down!
• Be sublime, write in the line
• Get a better line when you try to rhyme
• It's like an orgasm to write in the chasm
• If it's pleasure you lack try inscribing a crack
• It's just like a dream when you write in the seam
• It takes flair to avoid the square
• Man muss schlau seien umin dem graben zu schreiben (? sic)
• The shit will move faster if you write on the plaster
• The spirit doth rally to write in the valley
• Beware if you dare to write on the squares
• It ain't got that style if it's written on tile!
• All your skills are employed if the tiles you avoid
• It's a snap to write in the gap
• Show your wit and write in the slit
• It's a sick pig who must write big
• You might get in the Louvre, if you write in the groove
• If you want to talk, write on the caulk
• I'm real fine, I write on the line
• It takes a winner to write any thinner
• Happiness is not a riddle when I'm writing in the middle
• I feel great down to the marrow when I'm writing in the narrow
• You might become myopic when you're writing microscopic
• If you're wise - minimize!
• It's fun to write where space is tight
• Don't be queer - write in here
• Walk tall - write small
• The grout is your forum to write with decorum
• The words of the master are written on plaster
• Why have I been moved to write in the groove?
• As you sit in this stall, think big, but write small
• Show some class, write in the crevasse
• The narrow inscription won't cause a conniption
• It's easy to swear above the square
• Be real smooth - write in the groove
• We've got it all in the literature stall
• Wit and wisdom are mixed in the writings betwixt
• Your thoughts, hopes and prayers can fit outside the squares
• I'd walk for miles to write between tiles
• You can write for miles without using the tiles
• You can't show fear if you want to write here
• They cannot remove what you write in the groove
• They cannot erase what you write in the space
• Be at peace, write in the crease
• It's only the nerds who can't write tiny words
• You'll be in the pink when you write in the chink
• In the cracks you will find words to broaden your mind
• Don't be an ass - inscribe the crevasse
• It's what life is about - to write on the grout
• I can't do it!
• Now I found out you must write on the grout
• No better place than this plaster space
• It takes some grace to write in the space
• Do you have the knack to write in the crack?
• To write on the wall you have to write small
• You get no flack if you write on the crack
• Take your time, write in the line
• Do you have the style for tile?
• When you write on the mortar the world is in order
• You must be deft to write in the cleft
• It takes some dare to write between the squares
• You have to write fine to fit on this line
• You're a lout to write on the grout
• Get right to the point and write in the joint
• It can barely be seen when you write in between
• You must have style to write where there is no tile
• Who gives a shit when you write in the slit?
• Ruhn sie ein bisschen und schreiben sie zwischen
• Don't fear to shine, write on the line
• When I shit from my hiney I love to write tiny
• I just want to scream when I write in the seam
• Don't be a wisher and write in the fissure
• Writing with a big Bic just don't click
• Now if you are upset don't throw a fit, see? / Just plunk down your thoughts but make them itsy bitsy
• When I'm in doubt I write on the grout
• This is stupid.
• It would be more appealing to write on the ceiling
• Would you be fazed if I wrote on the glaze?
• If you have the gift you can write in the rift
• Writing not talking is hard on the caulking
• Who's annoyed when you write in the void?
• It's really uncanny to write in this cranny
• No one will miss what's in the abyss
• You can say it all in the cracks on the wall
• I used to smoke pot so I write in the slot
• It takes grit & gumption to write in the junction
• You won't cause a flap when you write in the gap
• Get it together and write in the nether!
• It's a sign of finesse when your writing's compressed
• There's no compromise when you're writing downsize
• You can injure a digit when you write like a midget
• The whole world will look when you write in the nook
• Think astronomic - write subatomic
• You may write faster when you write on plaster
• Be intersticial, not superficial
• If you come on this slit you can wipe out my wit
• I'd walk a mile to write between a tile
• Your spirit moves if you write in the grooves
• Life is easy to face if you write in the space
• It's easy to shit when you write in the split
• It's hard to paint where the square tiles ain't
• I wrote my thesis between these pieces
• It takes real style to avoid the tiles
• Graffitists are greedy 'uns - there's no blank medians
• I love this wall but I hate to write small
• I'd travel for miles to write 'tween the tiles
• It's kinda keen to write in between
• It's hard to rhyme when writing between squares
• They won't get annoyed if you write in the void
• In this stall the worst is - there's no fresh interstice
• Brooke thinks it's keen, so inscribe in between
• It gives me a lift when I write in the rift
• You won't cause a scene when you write in between
• Small space, best place
• Thin is in

Right, that's enough

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